男人和女人都应该知道的事——事业、婚姻与生育，人生需要提前规划

 男人和女人都应该知道的事——事业、婚姻与生育，人生需要提前规划

大约2000年前后，我在《新闻周刊》上读到一篇文章，后来一直记忆深刻。文章大意是：记者采访了许多企业界、学术界和政府部门的顶尖女性领导人，发现她们有一个令人意外的共同现象——事业都非常成功，但其中相当一部分没有子女。

这件事之所以令人感到遗憾，并不是因为没有孩子就不能拥有幸福的人生，而是因为记者进一步采访后发现，其中许多人并不是主动决定不要孩子。她们年轻时也想过结婚，也想过生育，只是当她们终于有条件、有时间、也真正准备好要孩子的时候，却发现生育已经变得困难。

她们并不是没有做出选择，而是在人生最重要的选择之一上，可能因为不了解生育的时间规律，错过了原本希望拥有的机会。

这篇文章后来让我想到一个问题：我们每个人都应该尽早了解，人生中哪些事情可以推迟，哪些事情却不能完全按照自己的计划推迟。

一、事业可以慢慢发展，但生育有自己的时间规律

现代社会给女性提供了越来越多的机会。

一个女孩18岁进入大学，22岁本科毕业；如果继续读硕士，可能到24—27岁；如果再读博士，可能已经接近30岁。医学专业的学习时间更长，从本科、医学院到住院医生培训，往往需要十年以上。

这意味着，一个年轻女性可能在20多岁时，正处于人生最重要的学习和职业发展阶段。

她可能想：

> “我先把本科读完，再读硕士。

> 硕士毕业以后，再考虑博士。

> 博士毕业以后，再找一份理想的工作。

> 等事业稳定下来，再考虑结婚和孩子。”

这个想法完全可以理解。

问题在于，教育和事业的时间表，可以由人来安排；生育能力，却不完全听从人的安排。

美国妇产科医师学会（ACOG）的资料指出，女性的生育能力在20多岁时处于较高水平，30岁左右开始下降，35岁以后下降速度通常会加快。到了45岁，自然怀孕已经变得非常困难。(ACOG)

这并不意味着30岁以后就不能生孩子，更不意味着35岁以后就一定会遇到问题。事实上，许多女性在35岁以后仍然能够顺利怀孕、生育健康的孩子。

但是，年龄越大，怀孕所需要的时间可能越长，流产和某些妊娠并发症的风险也会增加。

因此，真正重要的不是记住某一个“最后期限”，而是知道：生育能力不是可以无限期储存、等到事业完成以后再随时使用的资源。

二、为什么女性的生育能力会随着年龄变化？

这里有一个很重要的生物学区别。

女性出生时，卵巢中就已经有了绝大部分一生所拥有的卵母细胞。随着年龄增长，卵母细胞的数量会逐渐减少，质量也会发生变化。

男性则不同。男性成年后，睾丸仍然能够持续产生新的精子。

但这并不意味着男性可以完全不考虑年龄。男性的精子质量也会随着年龄增长而发生变化，某些生育和遗传风险也可能增加。

所以，比较准确的说法是：

女性的生育能力主要受到卵子数量和质量随年龄变化的影响；男性虽然能够持续产生新的精子，但年龄同样会影响精子质量和生育结果。

这也是为什么，不能简单地认为：

> “男人50岁也没关系，女人30岁就不行了。”

这种说法既不准确，也容易让人误解。

真正应该说的是：男女的生育规律不同，但双方都应该了解年龄对生育的影响。

三、为什么现在越来越多人需要生育方面的医学帮助？

很多人年轻时会觉得：

> “现在不想生，等以后想生的时候再生就好了。”

但生育并不是像买房、换工作、读书那样，可以完全按照自己的时间表安排。

美国妇产科医师学会指出，女性年龄增长后，怀孕的机会会下降，流产风险也会增加。(ACOG)

这也是为什么，现实中会有越来越多的人需要接受生育评估、辅助生殖治疗，或者在生育方面寻求医学帮助。

不过，这里也需要特别说明：不能简单地说“现在街上的不孕症诊所比药店还多”，更不能把所有不孕问题都归咎于女性年龄。

不孕可能与女性、男性、双方共同因素，或者某些无法明确确定的原因有关。男性因素也占有相当重要的比例。

因此，真正有意义的做法不是互相责怪，而是让男女双方都了解生育知识，并在需要时及时寻求专业帮助。

四、年龄越大，怀孕的风险为什么会增加？

随着女性年龄增长，卵子发生染色体异常的可能性会增加。这也是为什么，年龄较大的孕妇需要更加重视产前筛查和产前诊断。

例如，唐氏综合征（Down syndrome）是一种与21号染色体额外拷贝有关的遗传状况。母亲年龄增长，尤其是35岁以后，唐氏综合征的风险会明显增加。

但这里必须纠正一个常见误解：

年龄增加，并不意味着一定会生出有遗传问题的孩子。

现代医学已经有多种产前筛查和诊断方法，可以帮助准父母了解胎儿的健康状况，并在医生指导下作出决定。

所以，正确的态度不是恐慌，而是：

> “我知道年龄可能增加某些风险，因此我会提前了解、提前规划，并在需要时接受医学检查。”

五、为什么有些女性事业成功，却没有孩子？

我认为，这个问题最值得我们思考的地方，不是“女性为什么不生孩子”，而是：

为什么有些女性在年轻时没有意识到，生育也是人生中需要提前规划的一件大事？

一个人可能花十年时间规划自己的教育：

• 选择什么专业；

• 读不读硕士；

• 读不读博士；

• 去哪个学校；

• 进入哪个行业；

• 什么时候换工作；

• 什么时候争取升职。

但是，有些人却从来没有认真规划过：

• 自己是否希望结婚；

• 是否希望有孩子；

• 如果希望有孩子，大概希望什么时候生；

• 如何平衡教育、事业和家庭；

• 如果未来遇到生育困难，自己能够接受什么样的选择。

这并不是说女性必须为了生孩子放弃事业。

恰恰相反，我认为，真正的女性独立，应该包括了解自己的身体、了解自己的选择，并且有能力按照自己的意愿安排人生。

如果一个女性明确决定不要孩子，那是她的自由。

如果一个女性希望先发展事业，再考虑家庭，那也是她的自由。

但如果一个女性其实希望有孩子，只是因为不了解生育年龄的规律，或者一直把生育推迟到“以后再说”，最后却发现自己已经很难实现这个愿望，那么这种遗憾就值得我们认真思考。

六、男人也应该知道：不能把生育责任全部推给女人

有些男性可能会认为：

> “女人30多岁以后生育困难，男人50岁还可以生，所以生孩子主要是女人的事情。”

这种想法是不公平的，也是不准确的。

男性虽然能够持续产生新的精子，但年龄增长同样可能影响精子质量和生育结果。研究表明，男性年龄增长与某些遗传风险、精子质量变化以及生育结果有关。(PubMed Central (PMC))

因此，生育是男女双方共同的事情，不应该把所有压力都放在女性身上。

如果一个男人希望将来有孩子，那么他也应该认真考虑：

• 自己什么时候希望结婚；

• 是否希望有孩子；

• 是否愿意承担家庭责任；

• 是否愿意支持伴侣的事业；

• 是否愿意在生育问题上与伴侣共同面对。

一个真正成熟的男人，不应该只考虑自己的事业发展，也应该考虑自己希望建立什么样的家庭。

七、教育和事业很重要，但人生不应该只有一条时间表

我非常重视教育，也非常支持女性追求事业。

一个女孩完全可以读硕士、读博士，可以成为医生、律师、教授、企业家，也可以成为政府部门的领导人。

这些都是非常值得尊重的人生选择。

但是，我也认为，教育和事业并不是人生的全部。

人生还有婚姻、家庭、孩子、父母、朋友，以及许多其他重要的关系。

有些事情可以晚一点做。

例如：

• 40岁以后再读硕士；

• 50岁以后再读博士；

• 退休以后再学习新的专业；

• 任何年龄都可以继续提升自己。

但是，生育能力并不是完全没有年龄限制的。

所以，如果一个年轻女性希望将来有孩子，那么她应该尽早了解生育规律，并把生育也纳入自己的人生规划之中。

这不是要求她放弃事业，而是帮助她避免将来因为不了解生育规律而后悔。

八、真正重要的，是在了解信息以后做出自己的选择

我认为，最理想的人生，不是所有女性都在30岁以前生孩子，也不是所有女性都必须先发展事业。

真正理想的人生，是：

每个人都能够在充分了解信息的基础上，做出适合自己的选择。

有些女性希望20多岁结婚生孩子，然后继续发展事业。

有些女性希望30多岁结婚生孩子。

有些女性希望先完成博士学位，再考虑家庭。

有些女性可能根本不想要孩子。

这些都应该得到尊重。

但如果一个女性希望有孩子，那么她就应该知道：

> **事业可以重新开始，学习可以重新开始，很多人生目标都可以重新安排；但是，生育能力却有自己的时间规律。**

因此，年轻时多了解一些生育知识，多思考一下自己真正想要什么，往往比到了以后才发现问题更加重要。

结语

我写这篇文章，并不是想告诉女性应该什么时候结婚、什么时候生孩子，更不是想让女性为了生育放弃自己的事业。

我只是希望，所有年轻人——尤其是年轻女性——都能够尽早了解这些重要的生育知识。

因为人生最遗憾的事情之一，可能不是你没有选择某条道路，而是你曾经希望走那条道路，却因为不了解现实情况，最后失去了选择的机会。

What Men and Women Should Know—Career, Marriage, and Parenthood Require Advance Planning

​What Men and Women Should Know—Career, Marriage, and Parenthood Require Advance Planning

Around the year 2000, I read an article in Newsweek that stayed with me for a long time. The article described how a journalist interviewed many highly successful women leaders in business, academia, and government, and discovered an unexpected common pattern: although these women had achieved remarkable professional success, a considerable number of them had no children.

What made this troubling was not the idea that a person cannot have a happy life without children. Rather, further interviews revealed that many of these women had not actively chosen to remain childless. When they were younger, they had thought about marriage and having children. But by the time they had the resources, time, and genuine readiness to become mothers, they found that having children had become more difficult.

They had not necessarily failed to make a choice. Instead, because they did not understand the timing of fertility, they may have missed an opportunity they had once hoped to have.

This article later led me to consider an important question: We should all learn as early as possible which things in life can be postponed and which things cannot be postponed entirely according to our plans.

I. Careers Can Develop Gradually, but Fertility Has Its Own Timeline

Modern society offers women more and more opportunities.

A young woman may enter college at 18 and graduate with a bachelor’s degree at 22. If she continues on to a master’s degree, she may be 24 to 27 by the time she finishes. If she then pursues a doctorate, she may already be approaching 30. Medical training takes even longer; from undergraduate education through medical school and residency, it often requires more than ten years.

This means that a young woman may spend her twenties in the most important stages of her education and career development.

She may think:

> “First I’ll finish my bachelor’s degree, then I’ll pursue a master’s.

> After completing my master’s, I’ll consider a doctorate.

> Once I finish my doctorate, I’ll look for an ideal job.

> When my career is stable, I’ll think about marriage and children.”

This way of thinking is completely understandable.

The problem is that education and career timelines can be arranged by people; fertility, however, does not entirely follow our plans.

According to information from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), female fertility is relatively high during the twenties, begins to decline around age 30, and generally declines more rapidly after age 35. By age 45, natural pregnancy has become very difficult. (ACOG)

This does not mean that women cannot have children after 30, nor does it mean that every woman will encounter problems after 35. In fact, many women become pregnant and give birth to healthy children after the age of 35.

However, as age increases, it may take longer to become pregnant, and the risks of miscarriage and certain pregnancy complications may also increase.

Therefore, the important point is not to memorize a particular “deadline,” but to understand that fertility is not a resource that can be stored indefinitely and used whenever one is ready after completing a career.

II. Why Does Female Fertility Change with Age?

There is an important biological distinction here.

Women are born with most of the oocytes they will have throughout their lives. As they age, the number of oocytes gradually decreases, and their quality also changes.

Men are different. After reaching adulthood, men continue to produce new sperm.

But this does not mean that men can completely ignore age. Sperm quality can also change as men grow older, and certain fertility and genetic risks may increase.

A more accurate way to put it is:

Female fertility is primarily affected by age-related changes in the number and quality of eggs. Although men continue to produce new sperm, age can also affect sperm quality and reproductive outcomes.

This is why it is inaccurate to assume:

> “Men can still have children at 50 without any problem, while women are no longer able to have children after 30.”

That statement is both inaccurate and misleading.

A more accurate conclusion is this: Men and women have different reproductive patterns, but both should understand how age can affect fertility.

III. Why Do More People Now Need Medical Help with Fertility?

When they are young, many people think:

> “I don’t want children now. I can have them later when I’m ready.”

But having children is not entirely like buying a home, changing jobs, or pursuing further education—something that can be arranged according to a personal timetable.

ACOG notes that as women age, their chances of becoming pregnant decline, while the risk of miscarriage increases. (ACOG)

This is one reason why more people in real life need fertility evaluations, assisted reproductive treatment, or other forms of medical support.

However, it is important to clarify something here: we should not simply say that “there are now more infertility clinics on the streets than pharmacies,” nor should we attribute all infertility problems to a woman’s age.

Infertility may be related to female factors, male factors, factors affecting both partners, or causes that cannot be clearly identified. Male factors account for a significant proportion of infertility cases as well.

Therefore, the meaningful response is not to blame one another, but to ensure that both men and women understand fertility and seek professional help when necessary.

IV. Why Do the Risks of Pregnancy Increase with Age?

As women age, the likelihood of chromosomal abnormalities in their eggs increases. This is one reason why older pregnant women need to pay closer attention to prenatal screening and diagnostic testing.

For example, Down syndrome is a genetic condition associated with an extra copy of chromosome 21. The risk of Down syndrome increases with maternal age, particularly after age 35.

But a common misunderstanding must be corrected:

Increasing age does not mean that a woman will necessarily have a child with a genetic condition.

Modern medicine offers a variety of prenatal screening and diagnostic methods that can help expectant parents understand the health of the fetus and make informed decisions under the guidance of medical professionals.

The appropriate attitude, therefore, is not panic, but preparation:

> “I understand that age may increase certain risks, so I will learn about them in advance, plan ahead, and undergo medical testing if necessary.”

V. Why Do Some Women Achieve Career Success but Have No Children?

I believe the most important question is not “Why do women choose not to have children?” but rather:

Why do some women fail to realize when they are young that having children is also an important part of life that may require advance planning?

A person may spend ten years planning her education:

• Which major to choose;

• Whether to pursue a master’s degree;

• Whether to pursue a doctorate;

• Which school to attend;

• Which industry to enter;

• When to change jobs;

• When to seek a promotion.

Yet some people never seriously plan:

• Whether they want to marry;

• Whether they want children;

• If they want children, approximately when they hope to have them;

• How to balance education, career, and family;

• What options they would be willing to consider if they encountered fertility difficulties in the future.

This does not mean that women must give up their careers in order to have children.

On the contrary, I believe that true female independence should include understanding one’s body, understanding one’s choices, and having the ability to arrange one’s life according to one’s own wishes.

If a woman clearly decides that she does not want children, that is her freedom.

If a woman wants to develop her career first and consider family later, that is also her freedom.

But if a woman actually hopes to have children and keeps postponing parenthood by saying “I’ll think about it later,” only to discover eventually that fulfilling this wish has become difficult, then that possibility deserves serious consideration.

VI. Men Should Understand This Too: Responsibility for Parenthood Should Not Fall Entirely on Women

Some men may think:

> “Women have more difficulty becoming pregnant after their thirties, while men can still father children at 50, so having children is mainly a woman’s responsibility.”

This view is neither fair nor accurate.

Although men continue to produce new sperm, advancing age may also affect sperm quality and reproductive outcomes. Research has linked increasing paternal age with changes in sperm quality, certain genetic risks, and reproductive outcomes. (PubMed Central (PMC))

Therefore, having children is a shared responsibility between men and women, and the entire burden should not be placed on women.

If a man hopes to have children in the future, he should also seriously consider:

• When he hopes to marry;

• Whether he wants children;

• Whether he is willing to take responsibility for a family;

• Whether he is willing to support his partner’s career;

• Whether he is willing to face fertility-related issues together with his partner.

A truly mature man should not think only about his own career development. He should also consider what kind of family he hopes to build.

VII. Education and Career Matter, but Life Should Not Have Only One Timeline

I place great importance on education, and I strongly support women pursuing careers.

A young woman can pursue a master’s degree or a doctorate. She can become a doctor, lawyer, professor, entrepreneur, or government leader.

All of these are highly respectable life choices.

However, I also believe that education and career are not the entirety of life.

Life also includes marriage, family, children, parents, friends, and many other important relationships.

Some things can be done later.

For example:

• Pursuing a master’s degree after 40;

• Pursuing a doctorate after 50;

• Learning a new field after retirement;

• Continuing to improve oneself at any age.

But fertility is not entirely free from age-related limits.

Therefore, if a young woman hopes to have children in the future, she should learn about fertility as early as possible and include parenthood in her broader life planning.

This does not mean asking her to give up her career. It means helping her avoid future regret caused by a lack of understanding about fertility.

VIII. What Matters Most Is Making Your Own Choice After Becoming Informed

I do not believe the ideal life is one in which every woman has children before 30, nor do I believe that every woman must develop her career before considering a family.

The truly ideal situation is this:

Everyone should be able to make choices that suit them after becoming fully informed.

Some women may want to marry and have children in their twenties and then continue developing their careers.

Some may want to marry and have children in their thirties.

Some may want to complete a doctorate before considering family life.

Some may not want children at all.

All of these choices should be respected.

But if a woman hopes to have children, she should understand this:

> **A career can be restarted. Education can be resumed. Many life goals can be rearranged. Fertility, however, has its own timeline.**

Therefore, learning about fertility when young and thinking carefully about what one truly wants is often more valuable than discovering the issue only after it has become a problem.

Conclusion

I am not writing this article to tell women when they should marry or have children. Nor am I suggesting that women should give up their careers for the sake of parenthood.

I simply hope that all young people—especially young women—can learn these important facts about fertility as early as possible.

One of life’s greatest regrets may not be that you chose not to take a particular path, but that you once hoped to take it and ultimately lost the opportunity because you did not understand the realities involved.

We hope that everyone can live the life they truly want.

If you want a career, work hard to develop it.

If you want a family, plan for it thoughtfully.

If you want children, learn about fertility as early as possible.

The best life choices are not those made for you by others, but those you make for yourself after understanding all the important information.